I was leaving for work the other day and it suddenly occurred to me that the most difficult thing so far about being a dad is kissing my wife and son goodbye and actually walking out the door. At the time my thought was "something could happen and I may never see them again". But in thinking about it and trying to figure out how to get my thoughts into words, I've come to recognize other reasons for not wanting to walk out that door. The primary reason, other than some catastrophe that would keep me from them, is that I don't want to miss anything. (I guess Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing would be a more meaningful song to me now...)

I don't know if I just have an overactive imagination or if all dads think this way, but every time I have to leave Hani and Danish at home, all kinds of crazy thoughts go running through my head like they own the place. "I could get hit by a bus and they'd be left alone." "Some maniac could break into the house and take them from me." Luckily now until Hani completed her 'pantang', I'm living at my in-law's in Pandan Indah. After that I would go back to my crib in Damansara. I'm thinking of installing a security screen door and every time I leave I make sure that the deadbolt on both the door and the screen are locked. I'm also planning to change the alarm security system of my car when pay is in. That's how obsessed I am with security now. I think the amount of love you feel for someone is directly proportional to how much you worry about them. I thank Allah every day, several times a day, for the great gift that Hani and Danish are to me, and at the same time I beg him to not let anything happen to them, to keep them safe and sound.

I think about those poor people in Virginia and DC who were sniper victims, not so much the people killed but their families left behind. We are all so good at learning about things like families torn apart by violence and then putting that knowledge in the back of our minds "that was far from here and will never happen to me." There is no guarantee that it won't and I think that alarming, cruel tragedies occuring in Malaysia lately have proven that it certainly can happen. There are maniacs everywhere. And I pray many times a day that Allah will keep my family safe and all I can do is do my part to protect them and have faith in Him. Insya Allah.

As for the other reason for hating to leave them, not wanting to miss anything. I'm referring here specifically to not wanting to miss a single second of Danish's growing up. I hate the fact that dad's are so absent from most of the milestones in their children's lives. I want to be there when he first sits up, when he first walks and talks. I want to be the one who helps him through tough times, holds him tightly when he's scared or hurt. I want to be the one who helps him with his homework. I want to be there for every little discovery, every thing he learns. I don't want to hear about my son's life over dinner or learn about his growing up through a phone call. I want to be there. He's nearly three weeks 'old' now and he's growing up so fast, every day he's a little bit different than the day before. A couple of days ago Hani was excited because our little baby had finally learnt to lift up his head and his two tiny legs had started to caper; where he's starting to kick and jump whenever we put his feet near the floor especially when my mother in-law bathes him. Those are stages of development and she was so happy that he was going through them. I want to be there for that. I want to be an involved, active dad, not some stranger Danish sees for 2 or 3 hours every evening before he goes to bed.

I guess I should stop now before I get to thinking about all the things I don't want to be and do as a dad and start boring you with those. I'll do that next time.

Live your weekend people! Take care.

Posted by Wan Mohd Fahimi @ 3:20 PM